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Co-writing with Myself by Laurel Snyder
When I was a kid, my parents had amazingly vast bookshelves, and when I got bored on rainy days, I’d sometimes pull a book off the shelf. Often, I had absolutely no interest in what I found. I distinctly remember NOT reading Anthony Powell’s A Dance to the Music of Time.
But now and then, I’d find a book with scribbles in it, a book my mom or dad had written all over, and that I loved, no matter how dull the book. There was something magical about the old notes. I felt like I was traveling into the past, peering into the people my parents had been Once Upon a Time. When they were young.
Of course, eventually I ran to my own bookshelves and began scribbling on the pages. I wasn’t really sure what to write, but I wanted to leave a trace, a message to my future self. Or for some imaginary other person who might find my books someday. I wanted to write something. For posterity.
Flash forward! It’s 2011. I’m sitting in the basement at my mother’s house. She’s asked me to go through the old books and take what I want. She’s thinking of selling the house in a few years. “There will be yardsales,” she’s warned me.
Now, for the most part I’ve dragged my childhood favorites with me through life—to college and beyond. My Thirteen Clocks and my Half Magic and my Dicey’s Song and my Frog and Toad and my Once and Future King. I’m not expecting to find much in the basement. But then I see it, the old faded purple paperback. “Oh!” I say, as I pull it from the shelf. “Oh, wow.”
The thing is, I’d forgotten all about this book, this weird thrift-store find. It’s a very adult title, long out of print. Academic. I didn’t fully grasp it at age ten, and I probably can’t wade through it even now. It’s a collection of essays about Anna Pavlova’s life and work, which I’d mostly bought for the wonderful black and white pictures. But included in the book is a section of Pavlova’s own diaries about her childhood, and that I’d read.
I run my hand over the stained cover, and in the far reaches of my brain, a little bell rings. Memory surfaces.
When I open the book, what do I see? My own scribbles. Embarrassing scribbles. In fact, my ten year old self is probably ready to kill my 41 year old self right this minute, for sharing them with you here. But the scribbles are true and full of passion. They capture the great love I had for ballet at that age, and for Pavlova. A love I’d essentially forgotten. Until now.
As I flip through the book, I’m overwhelmed at the details I’ve let slip away. Anna! How have I managed to forget her? Her frail bones and washerwoman mama. I’d been obsessed! Year after year I begged my mom to make me a swan costume for Halloween. (She never did—one of many unforgettable crimes.)
Sitting there in the basement, I get to thinking about Anna’s story. About how much it meant to me, as a kid. How she overcame so much—poverty, revolution, war, impatience, a body that was “all wrong” for ballet, bullies in school. It all seemed so intense, and destined.
Then I look at the scribbles, and I think about my ten-year-old self. At that age, I’d just figured out I wanted to be an author someday, but I still wanted to be a dancer, too. I think about how much Laurel-the aspiring-writer/ballerina would have loved to turn these scribbles into an actual book.
It was an incredible moment. This realization that I could do that now. That my kid-self really had—through the power of books and my own scribbles—time traveled into the future, to help my grownup self out. And that my grownup self was now in position to assist my kid-self. I got up off the floor and left the basement that day with an idea for a new book.
And so here, years later, is SWAN: the Life and Dance of Anna Pavlova. A collaboration of Laurel Snyder (age ten) and Laurel Snyder (age 41). It’s the book my ten year old self would have written and published if that had seemed remotely possible back then, with extraordinary illustrations by Julie Morstad (of which the younger Laurel would most certainly have approved).
But beyond SWAN, this whole experience has been a wake-up-call for me, an important lesson. A reminder of all the things I’ve forgotten, all the things I knew as a kid, that I don’t know anymore.
Kids are so smart. Kids risk everything when they write. They are earnest and passionate and they pour it all out on the page. They haven’t learned yet to hide their feelings. When I saw these notes from my younger self, I was reminded of that. Of the power of a number 2 pencil in a grubby uncensored hand. Of my own desire to get back to that place as much as possible.
Of course, my two sons aren’t terribly appreciative of the summer journals they’re currently being forced to keep right now, as a result of my valuable reminder/lesson. Poor guys.
“What’s the point of writing things down, Mom? I don’t have anything to say.”
But I’m pretty sure they do…
Laurel Snyder is the author of many books for kids (and a few for adults), including Bigger than a Bread Box, and Baxter, the Pig Who Wanted to Be Kosher. Visit her at laurelsnyder.com or follow her on Twitter @laurelsnyder.
Reblogged this on David Macinnis Gill.
Absolutely lovely. It kindled a memory of being a ten year old sliding open the doors of my dad’s bookshelves in our very sixties modern recreation room. I don’t recall any particular book, just being mesmerized by the someday, being able to read and understand them. They were a promise of becoming an adult.
First, I’m cracking up over the title of “Baxter, the Pig Who Wanted to be Kosher.” 🙂 I immediately put a reserve on it at my library. Love your post. Can’t wait to read your book about Pavlova. What a treasure to find your notes from childhood. I think it’s true that we know things as a kid that we don’t know anymore. Lucky you, you’ve found some of your things.
I love the 41 year old learning from the 10 year old self. This post is a perfect way to talk to students about journals to keep but also about writing from personal experience. This book needed your 10 year old self to help you along. Thanks so much for sharing.
Oh, wow. I can’t wait to tell you a story one day, Laurel. ❤️
This is a beautiful essay, and I can’t wait to check out your work, Laurel. My 10-year-old confident, longing self could guide me through writing and many more things, and I could fulfill so many things for her too, as you have done, by melding her assuredness with my skills and experience. I love this. Thanks.
Oh, what a lovely post! My 6YO has already written a number of “books”~ stapled together sheets of paper with a few words about whatever’s important to her to write down (things like “yellow pencils always have pink erasers. I like green. I want green erasers.) These words from our youth can spark memories so strong you can nearly smell the place you were sitting when you wrote them. The book is beautiful, Laurel 🙂 Congrats to you and 10-year-old you!
Delightful post, Laurel. Can’t wait to read your book.
What a gorgeous post! Sadly, the main book I remember from my parents’ bookshelf was the one of dirty limericks. Well, that and “There Eyes Were Watching God,” so I guess you can say it was a diverse bookshelf.
When I was in my thirties, my mom occasionally found projects I’d started in my teens—a quilt top, a cross-stitched sampler–finished them, and gave them to me as gifts. I treasure them all the more for being collaborations between a younger me and an older mom.
This is wonderful! I love the idea of a younger self and older self collaborating on a project.
Great idea and beautiful illustration on the cover. We have just moved and downsized, but I have kept a huge batch of children’s books. I realize that they are for me, and the loving memories of reading some as a child or sharing others with my own daughters make them too precious to give up, even at 62. I am hoping that a new generation comes to my house to share them someday; I will certainly add SWAN to the collection.
Thank you Laurel, I’m going to go through my old journals now… 🙂
I went through a notebook I haven’t looked at in a few years and it’s so neat to be able to go back and remember what mindframe I was in.
I have my copy of James Joyce’s Portrait of The Artist As a Young Man from high school with notes that I’ll show to kids who are still looking for a book that speaks to them. That book did not speak to me and you can tell from my questions marks and “huh?”s written in the margins. But luckily, I found other books to love.
I’m only 15 years and 10 months old, but even I get a bit nostalgic when I flip through pages I had written 5 years ago.